mike's epicest epic

Adventure Log 51

To the monastery. Heading in the direction of Cantilever.

Unrest to the west of the city. Strange occurrences are causing some of the more rural gnomes to leave their homes and farms for the safety of the city.
Gnomes taken by raiding parties into slavery. Parties disappearing without a trace somewhere outside the city.
There is a lowlands research facility at the edge of The Tear within the city of Cantilever. Sounds like it may be of interest to people seeking a way down.
There is also a monastery of monks who are rumored to have discovered a viable path down from the cliffs to the lands below. They are located by the termination of the river at The Tear. They must be very popular, as most of the people who climb the hill to become initiates never return.

3 day walk to Cantilever. On day 2: Found dead horses. While investigating old ambush, we are caught in an ambush.
By something that appear to be related to bearded devils. Flying spine shooting assholes.
They make a call for help, hear gears grinding. A devil automata comes over the hill to help the devils.

Treasure (sum)
92 pp
338 gp
32 cp
5 sp

Other side of the hill from the ambush, found summoning circle with gnomes tied up. Unlit candles.
Light candles? Let us go?

We don’t activate the circle. Continuing on toward monastery. Monastery of Diving Eagles.
Heading up a path between to hills. Apparently open space beyond.
Ran into millataurs that gave themselves


Arrive at Monastery of Diving Eagles. Brother Seagul. Brother Albatross.
We profess that we’re interesed in hearing about the time share.

Plank extended at edge of cliff. Plunge pool is not visible, and is “just a bit out, but not too far”

As you enter the grounds of the monastery you are greeted by one of the monks, “are you interested in becoming initiates?”
If yes: Excellent, I’m brother seagull. Let’s take you to our initiation area, you can meet the other member of our order, brother albatross.
You walk toward the edge of a cliff and see what appears to be a plank extended over the edge. Anybody brave enough to walk to the edge and look over can watch the river rushing over the edge, falling down and down and down before dispersing into the air below. You see no sign of the bottom through the mist.
“Alright, so the plunge pool is out a little ways, so you have to project yourself out a bit, but not too much. Really, you want just enough, there’s not a whole lot of latitude for mistakes. But if you survive the fall and can climb back up the cliff face we’ll be back up to three members of the order…Oh, there’s brother albatross now.”
As he points you see an arm reach over the edge of the cliff from below the ledge. There is profuse swearing and a skinny older man heaves himself up onto the grass. He rolls to his back, staring at the sky. “Looks like no new members this time, I told them and told them, “ and theyboth chorus together, “GO LOOSE.” Brother albatross continues, “yeah, but they always tense up right at the end. Anyway, the plunge pool is getting a little shallow, it’s just been so dry up here lately. I recommend flopping.”
Brother seagull walks to the edge, “thank you brother albatross”, he addresses you guys, “well, as they say, we like to dive right in. Remember, “GO LOOSE”, they both shout, and brother seagull steps off the side, making a big seagull sound.

Arc’terix jumps off with fly spell. Uses two fly spells to get back up. Becomes a monk of the diving eagles.

Question of how monks make it to the bottom is answered. Not particularly useful, but now we know.

Adventure Log 50

Arc’terix wakes up groggy and with memories… that Jerry escaped.


Arc’Teryx, the prior evening is something of a blur to you. You remember being somewhat distracted while playing your music and being fascinated by the cheese wheel that the chef had been serving from. You’d learned from your new friends, as you shared it, that it was eight years aged, from an exceptionally good year. In fact, you learned that the cheese was actually called:
Le Chevrot, and it proved that a mold/yeast-ripened goat cheese could be an entirely different animal from a fresh, lactic, lemony chèvre. It was the color of almond milk, and covered in the wrinkly, brain-like rind that is the calling card of the yeast geotrichum. Its flavor is sweet and mellow, with nutty undertones, while the snow-white center of the cheese had a mouthwatering tang….
…oh, that’s right, you’d made some new friends…
You remember them as several great guys with some bunched faces and excellent mustaches. They had taken you in and shared their own delightful cheeses with you in what turned out to be a solemn and intimate affair that brought you all very close together.

You remember also that something went wrong. Arrows from the wharf and a confused cacophony of shrieking, fleeing, and dying as your friends were run off or destroyed. You remember that Jerry had made it, slipping into the water and disappearing beneath the pier with a delightfully nutty pecorino romano. You remember your older friends coming to rescue you, dragging you from danger and now you have awakened here in your bed.


As you descend the stairs applause breaks out among the other guests. They loved you show last night. It had elements of song, dance, and an interpretive performance regarding the plight of innocent young lycanthropes in a large city full of hate. You also receive a bill for damages. It is 12 gold.

Recieved bill for damages to Inn for 12 gp. Payed 50gp asks for discretion. Apparently discretion is unfeasible.
. Innkeep says we could burn the place down for that amount.
Malchidek obliges with a firebolt to a table.

Discussing getting down the Tear is somewhat taboo.
Found note in pocket: (research facility or monks)
– There is a lowlands research facility at the edge of The Tear within the city of Cantilever. Sounds like it may be of interest to people seeking a way down.
– There is also a monastery of monks who are rumored to have discovered a viable path down from the cliffs to the lands below. They are located by the termination of the river at The Tear.
both options are to the West.

1k gp to round trip to Traveler’s Rest via gnome wizard means.

We check on our Tavern in town.

Uniq took care of the dwarf by murdering him (and taxidermied his head). Shit.
“Comb his hair” = “knife through the nose”
“Good morning” = “mount head as jackalope”

-250 gp for Uniq petty cash.

Sander tries to convince Arc’teryx to embrace it.

-600 gp for decorating Malchizedek’s room. Insanely over the top opulence. Good craftsman.
Hidden back panel on the dresser… manacles. Fur line them.

Warp back to Tinkerton
buy 5 potions of healing for 250gp (sander, malchizedek, 3x Roscoe)
bought potion of climbing for 180 gp (Roscoe)

Head out for monastery. As heading towards gates, Arc’terix nose perks up and sniffs air.
We follow Arc’s nose. A note is attached to a rock to the cheese:

The note reads: “Dearest rat brother, our overlord has ordered a meeting this evening and have requested that our entire clan attend. I know you’re new, but everything will be ok. There’s nothing to be worried about, he’s a totally nice guy.
The letter goes on to describe a location in the interior of the mountain.

We scope out the meeting place.
We go the the meeting. Arc disguises himself. The rest of us sneak and follow behind.

You find your way to the area described in the letter and you see your friend Jerry as well as a whole slew of were-rat’s there. He looks a bit worried. As you begin to make small talk he can’t seem to concentrate. As you’re looking at him there is a sudden silence as a man has ascended with unnatural speed and grace from the ladder leading down.

He begins to speak, looking rather bored, “Our time of triumph is nearing. Very soon my own clan will rise from below and spread dominion over these pitiful races left on the high-lands. They will be overcome and subjugated, placed into pens where they belong. You creatures, faithful servants all, will be honored by serving us in a land purified by death and darkness. Then our great master will come. The volumes are gather… he pauses and sniffs the air, his eyes turning fully black in their sockets. I smell true-flesh… a spy is among us, welcome and come forth.

Snapshot of Party Funds:
1288 pp
20148 gp
396 sp
2 Draft horses
1 Gem of Brightness
1 Wagon
1 Spell scroll 2nd level

Adventure Log 49
Arc'terix is a rat

Searching the Gear Wizards Guild Hall

Search dead fire geists:
pewter rapier (25 gp)
100 gp

Efreeti found us. Murdered it and a fire elemental.

Found a summoning circle which was used to summon the efreeti. The gnomes had tapped the 8th level of hell to power their gears.

400 cp, 3000 sp, 1100 gp, 70 pp,
Carved Wooden Staff (25 gp),
Silk Coat (25 gp) (Sander),
Fine Cloth Gloves threaded with Silver (25 gp) (arc’terix),
Feathered Vest (25 gp),
Iron Brazier (25 gp),
Rabbit Fur Sash (25 gp) (Malchizedek),
Rabbit Fur Choker (25 gp) (Malchizedek)

As you exit that area of the city back to the main thoroughfare you are summoned to a small gathering near a stage that has the word, “Thanks!”, written on it and an important looking gnome smiling at you. He states:
Let it be known that although auto-immolatio has disrupted one of the greatest experiments in the long history of a gnomes, an otherwise grievous sin punishable by death, the government does however understand and acknowledge the restoration of the burned area once again into usable living space. As lamentable as it is that science was made to suffer in this way we of the city council due wish to thank and reward you with property in what shall be forever known as the “pyre” in honor of the mighty gear wizards who gave everything for science. And furthermore, as only gnomes are allowed to outright own property in the city, you are, by these papers, acknowledged to be gnomes in truth with all the rights afforded to a citizen of this city. But seriously, you should keep the papers with you because nobody’s going to believe you.
And the crowd goes wild as a flame skull followed by 6 burly gnomes streaks down the street laughing maniacally!

We go back to City Hall and expound upon our exploits. Arc’teryx performs well (27) in our

We get property in the city district “The Pire”. 3 Story Building (Modest Manor House)

We get made honorary gnomes. We have papers to the effect.

REWARD: Papers that have your name and the word “gnome” next to the word “race”. There is also an explanation on the paper as to why you don’t look like gnomes, but totally are. It’s very wordy.
You also have the deed to a piece of property in “The Pyre” area of Tinkerton.

Going to have a rest at the inn.

The music stops amidst some shouting downstairs and screams begin to emanate through the floor boards. You hear an awful shriek, much too high for even a little gnomish girl with a skinned knee, followed by pounding/jangling chaos that moves from one end of the room to the other, and a shout of, ‘He’s taken the cheese!’. You hear more running jangling steps and then a tremendous bang, as though a very large wooden object has been thrown into a stone wall and then …silence.

As you descend the stairs, weapons drawn, you see a scene of, well, it was probably utter chaos about a minute ago, but is now mostly a bunch of gnomes staring around with shocked expressions on their faces. Most of the tables and chairs in the room are knocked over and the bar itself is half-destroyed. The front door is torn from its hinges, and there is no sign of Arc’Teryx.

Suddenly, there’s a snuffling noise in the doorway and a small pig stands before you…on two legs. He looks at you earnestly and says, “I felt it, follow me.” He trots off out the door and begins to head downhill.

As you follow Abercrombie out the door you can hear some patrons marvelling at how this was Arc’Teryx’s best show yet and wondering how he got such a bizarre mustache so fast.

Also, It’s actually pretty hard to keep up with a pig at top cruising speed, but you manage to keep him in sight. You pass by a cheese shop, the owner in tears in front of his devastated stock. “It’s all gone”, he sobs. You continue to follow the pig.

He takes you down to the lowest level of the city and down even more toward the docks at the river’s edge.

Abercrombie shows up and takes us out of the bar. We follow him down to the docs. We find Arc’teryx in the company of wererats.

We subdue Arc’Teryx. We make it back back to the Inn with Arc’terxy.
Malchizedek pours wine all over him to sell the experience as a bender.
Sander tells Roscoe that he needs to convince Arc’teryx. Roscoe pours wine all over himself.

Note: Pay the inn keeper well. Get bacon sandwiches.

Adventure Log 48
Ashes to Asses

In burning district. After fighting ash drakes. Decending stairs towards the source of the fire. The gear wizards guild.
Large stone building. It’s hot in here. It used to be nice, but everything is carbon now.
Three passages. Heat eminating from all of them.
High pitch squeeling from ahead. Eventually identified as laughing.
Flaming skulls. They’re casters. Quite tough to kill.
Examine skulls for vulnerabilities
“They were vulnerable to friendship!” -Arc’Terix

Go to temple to get rid of skull fragments. Priest triest to slap helmet with fragment out of Arc’Terix’s hand.
This pisses off Arc and he departs the temple. Casts invisibility on the flaming skull fragments.
Malchizedek talks his way into getting 32 oz of holy water.

Long rest back at the tavern.

Back into the gear wizard hall.
Killed fire geists.

TODO: Search areas and bodies.
TODO: Buy healing pots.

Adventure Log 46 (?) 2017-10-20

In Tinkertown (gnome-men’s land)…

  • Party goes to the library and steals some books
  • Sandor starts asking Roscoe about doing some gladiator fights when Roscoe’s fiend shows up
    • Fiend: “Hey guy, how’s it going? Nice to see you again, you haven’t forgotten your mission have you? You gotta save Trogdor, super important. You gotta get strong and stay strong, OK buddy?” Kinda mumbles to himself, “gosh, your soul looks delicious”, and then more loudly, “Hey, some important stuff is happening BTW, I think those books are bad news and maybe you should find like a magic volcano or something and toss them in, you got those on this plane, right?”, mumbles to himself, “yeah probably. Anyway, guy you’re doing a great job and Trogdor would be proud of you, you know, if he soul wasn’t severed from his body, but he WOULD be proud, you know, if he could.”
  • Sandor and Arc work out gladiator stuff with those running the games
  • Malki and Roscoe are tasked with making contacts – Malki makes 3 contacts while Roscoe carouses and ends up with extra costumes
  • Other stuff to do:
    • Unrest to the west of the city. Strange occurrences are causing some of the more rural gnomes to leave their homes and farms for the safety of the city.
    • Gnomes taken by raiding parties into slavery. Parties disappearing without a trace somewhere outside the city.
    • There are some theater companies in this city. Most of them are associated with stories related to “science” and also tumbling troupes dedicated to the semi-holy art of jumping out of the way of weird explosions.
    • Lycanthropy is on the rise and the “blooding” test is taken very seriously and is necessary to entering the town. Despite this, it is known that there is lycanthropic activity occurring within the city.
    • Circus is here and camped outside
    • Can also find out more about the district of the city that is on fire
  • Roscoe beats up a robot in the arena
  • Party goes into the on-fire district to deal with that
    • Ash drakes! We kicked their ashes.
Adventure Log 44 & 45
Tales of things with tails.

We find an Adult Copper Dragon.

Dragon inquires about banjo. There’s an exchange about mispronouncing the Fauklican Bajo as “butt fucking banjo”
Arc’teryx brandishes tentacle. Then plays a tune. There was a kobold dance party.

Copper dragon has amazing perception and notices Sander trying to free the tiefling in the cage (Malchizedek)

Dragon wants us to retrieve something from lower caverns. There might be a bear. Retrieve a tome.

Found some werewolves and wearboars in lower caves. They died. Arc’teryx is pissed. Smashes in head of lycanthropes.
25 gp (Malchizedek)

Found more werewolves and some weretigers. Arc’teryx has a tantrum. Smashes corpse against wall Hulk style.

- in the middle of the cave -

[ adventure log 45 ]

Stealthing further into the cave. Murder some more lycanthropes including a bear. Found a note amongst their belongings.
Note: “The scrimshaw piece is secure.”
Taking a long rest in the werebear’s alcove.

Found a couple of undead spirits facing off
226 gp to Malchizedek

Table with stuff on it. Jumble pile of paper. Incredible power emanating from the pile of paper (Gnomish). “Dedicate to Malchizedek” on the front pages.

Earthquake. Groaning shifting sensation. Dragon voice says “fuck this. grab the portable holes. we’re out.”

Malchizedek gets a gnomish book. keeps the information to himself.

We all run out of the cave.

Adventure Log 43
One time we killed two gorgons

Short west recovering from Manticore battle.

Manticore tails x 5

Heading back to Mac to collect rewards. 20 gp reward.

He reminds you that there are still the flying lizards to take care of, which have also been stealing livestock. He doesn’t have much money to pay you, but says it’s been hunted several times by people who don’t come back, so it’s probably built up a good stockpile of loot by now. It’s been seen circling the old halfling mine at Verdegris hill.

Get lunch and going on the way to the flying lizard.

Roscoe sees his “Freend” (fiend). Neither Arc nor Sander can see it.
Gives instructions to find phylactery of Trogdor. Looking for a rock. Find dragonborn in hill and ask him about it. Also, tell Arc’Terix to suit up.
Long Version
Yeah, so, it turns out that the world really needs trogdor, so I’m going to give you some help right now. I think it’d be great if you could head into the hill up there and talk with the dragonborn inside of it. Turns out that he can help you with the location of the phylactery!

Anyway, it’s probably a rock, because, you know, most of the matter here is rock, so yeah, guy, it’s probably a rock. Anyway, go in and ask the dragonborn there. Also, your boy Arc needs to be on his game for this, so tell him to tune up! He begins to shimmer as he stalks away into the trees and disappears.

Continuing on Mac’s directions to Verdegris hill & the mine entrance. Sign:
Bards Welcome. Everyone else fuck off.
Talking Squirrel is at the sign.

The squirrel rears up and states: “Beware and know that you are entering the domain of Kerdyr, The Bunny Killer. Woe to those who have no tales and who laugh not at his jokes.” This squirrel’s voice suddenly deepens to that of James Earl Jones. “You must face…um….THREE….NO! FOUR trials to gain his wisdom… or, he’ll just kill you anyway or something. The peril is perilous!” And with that, the squirrel scampers off.

Into the mine.

Nobody made it out of this corridor. There are bodies lying on the ground as if they all suddenly collapsed while completing various tasks, the flesh decomposing in a pile as if it simply fell off. Only the bones are left and they have odd tiny holes in them. The walls are pitted similarly.

Sander deduces the damage was acid.

Find some kobold alchemists that throw bombs. They’re tougher than they look.
50GP, Carved Wooden Staff (25 gp)

Take a long rest. Come back to the mine.

Find kobold chieftan. Arc’ illusions a large red dragon head. Roscoe runs in with “have at you!” Kobolds die. 30gp.

Clear lv 2.

100’ down into level 2. Deep rumbling voice, “two trials remain”

Sneaking from room to room collecting treasure:
1. Painted Glass Miniature (of a Castle) (25 gp)
2. Bronze Cloth Choker (25 gp) as well as 150 gold
3. Leather Mask (25 gp), 160 PP

4. Find two giant metal bulls (Gorgons). They died.
Eversmoking Bottle.
5. 1950 gp, all stacked very neatly with a beautiful black pearl on top: Pearl of Power

7. Galeb Durr and an Earth Elemental.
As you re-examine the area in the Northeast corner of the room you discover 70000 cp, Brooch of Shielding.

Disembodied voice throughout the mine:
“You’ve had a clue at the beginning and now another in this very room. Tell me about myself.”

Sander: You’re a copper dragon.
Correct answer. Doors open.
There is an adult copper dragon.

Adventure Log 41

In mayors house. Surrounded by city guard. House is burning.

Arc’terix pulls a weekend at Bernie’s with the mayor’s corpse out the window. Tells the townsfolk the tall people are good.

Party goes out the roof and jumps to the next building.

Sander and Arc’terix talk. Decide Urbanne needs to die. Rapier to the back through the heart. Pushed her corpse off the edge. Sneak away back to tavern to collect our stuff, and get out of town.

Heading toward Lefterose.

Adventure Log 40

In Middlebury

After a night of murders, go back to Manticore’s Tail Tavern. Morning.
Getting stink eye from tavern patrons in the morning at breakfast.
Roscoe buys them a round of breakfast eggs and orange juice.
Reception warms.

New Rumors:

  • New merchandise at magic shop.
  • Merchant named Travis disappeared. His daughter Henrietta opened up the shop this morning and suspects a conspiracy of the upper class.

Two corpses and a pile of ash where there use to be three bodies. Former werewolves are not wolfy anymore. Takes notes on what bodies look like.

Going to see Henrietta at North edge of town. Vegetable farm. She’s upset and manic:
Ghost story is crap.
Anti-government people have been taken.
Sander is impressed about her statistical acumen.
Her accounts:

  • A pony rancher disappeared after declining a relatively unfair deal proposed by the captain of the guard.
  • A man at a town hall meeting openly called the new tax proposal by the mayor a foolish piece of dung. Two days later he was gone.
  • My own father made a scene at the checkpoint upon entering the city after declaring he had roughly 200 tomatoes to bring back after attempting to sell them in easton. The checkpoint guard was reprimanded for incorrectly ascertaining the fruit/vegetable status of her father and disappeared later that evening although extenuating circumstances were in effect including all plants growing about 5 times as large all of a sudden. Her father disappeared last night, a day later.

Arc’terix reassures Henrietta and Urbane is jealous. Oh and snap.

Go talk to the captain of the guard. Unsuccessful.

Go to City Hall and sleight of hand away from the guards. Can’t get the mayor. Going to hall of records for copy of tax proposal.

Sander suggests we tail the mayor after work hours.

To the magic shop in the meantime:
Potion of Healing (dmg 187)
Potion of Healing (dmg 187)
Potion of Healing (dmg 187)
Potion of Climbing (dmg 187)
Spell Scroll (Light) (dmg 200)
Potion of Healing (dmg 187)
Potion of Climbing (dmg 187)
Potion of Healing (dmg 187)
Potion of Healing (dmg 187)
Spell Scroll (Unseen Servant) (dmg 200)
Ring of Warmth (dmg 193)[bought 500gp] (Arc’Terix)
Trident of Fish Command (dmg 209) [bought 500gp] (Roscoe)
Spell Scroll (Hypnotic Pattern) (dmg 200)

Problem: We don’t know what the mayor looks like.
Found out what the mayor looks like.
Find the mayors house.
Guards slam door in the Sander’s face.

Town is really racists against tall races.

Tavern encounter that evening. Beat up berserkers. Bought beers.

Ghosts shows back up. Leads us to the mayor’s house
Get stopped by city guards. They pick a fight. They lose. Hard.
16 gp

Snuck into Mayor’s house. Busted in on card game. 3 Werewolves. 1 Wererat. 1 priest (the mayor). Rescue storage room full of captives, maybe food. Arc’Terix and Sander burn the rugs.

1900 cp,
800 sp,
70 gp,
Bolt of Silk (25 gp),
Fine Cloth Pennant trimmed with Leopard Fur (25 gp),
Feathered bound Book (blank) (25 gp),
Iron Urn (25 gp),
Painted Glass Box (25 gp),
Painted Glass Mask (25 gp),
Spell Scroll (Spider Climb),
Cap of Water Breathing, (Roscoe)
Potion of Animal Friendship,
Potion of Poison

Adventure Log 39

Into Eastbourne. By and for smaller folk.

Tavern: Stout Oak. Modest place with small stage.

-9gp for the night. Price gouging! This town does not like medium sized creatures.

Arc’terix plays “Sammy got eaten by a tiny dragon”. Gets 4gp back.
Some 3 gnomes giving Urbane some rude comments. Roscoe goes over to handle the situation:
He suggests they buy us a round of drinks. (Intimidates)
Arc and Sander hat of disguise into tall versions of Roscoe.
Midget fight ensues. 12 thugs

“No murder in the bar” Arc’teryx quips, “yeah, gnome murder”
Sander buys drinks and reads.
Arc’teryx performs in the morning as “tall Roscoe”

Next town is middlebury.
Asked to declare foriegn fruits and vegetables at checkpoint into town.
Sander declares the Yunagu cake.
Arc’terix turns around and surreptitiously casts plant growth on the checkpoint. “There’s your fuckin’ vegetables”

Lodging: Zed Problema
Sander steals valuable books from the library. (75gp worth of books)
Arc & Urbane watch.

01: Some people are disappearing. Just a few at a time, but probably averaging out to about 2-3 a week. The guard is simply calling it emigration and start talking statistics about how the town is growing on the whole. Problem is that the people disappearing are not the kind of people who would just take off. They are established citizens, children, business people.
02 Clerics are in a bit of a tizzy. There are some unnatural things occurring. Sightings of ghosts and whatnot.
03 Some very random changes of fortune have occurred around town.

Sander and Roscoe investigate ghost:
Eyewitness acount of ghost pointing and looking at them. Gesturing out the window. “Ghost” was glowing and ethereal. Humaniod. Did not talk.
Continuing on ghost investigation to the witnesses house. Arc’terix casts fog cloud to help the creepiness of the area, because ghosts like creepiness.
Immediately precipitates weeping and sadness from denizens of alleyway.
Abductions happen in the a fog. Apparently missing people and ghosts are related.
Arc’terix makes a good argument that we should abduct a homeless person. Sander does abduct one and hands him to Arc.
Discovers evidence of physical altercation… so probably fake ghosts.
Urbane and Roscoe goes along.
Searching for remainder of the night came up empty.

Roscoe goes carousing: makes 8gp with pie trophy.

Sander gets woken up by woman ghost. Motions out the window.
We get the party and follow the apparition down an alley and it disappeared.
Find 3 figures abduction some gnomes.
2 were wolves and a pale woman. Got murdered by us.
3pp 82 gp
Plan to take the bodies back to the gate in the morning.


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